It’s that time of year when the stakes are high and the competition gets tougher among 12 NFL teams who are fighting their way to the highly coveted Vince Lombardi trophy. All eyes and ears will be glued to the TV starting this weekend as the wildcard round of the NFL playoffs kicks off. Which means there will be a lot less time for boo-loving and netflix. It doesn’t have to be though … Make this year’s playoff games a time to remember. You don’t have to know all the rules of the game to impress potential boo or bae. Here are 13 secret plays guaranteed to get you through this wildcard round and impress even the biggest football fan.
- Cam Newton is not playing THIS weekend.
Cam Newton’s team is the number one team in the NFC South, which means they get a bye this weekend and automatically advance to the second round of the divisional playoffs. So no dabfest this weekend.
2. Two days. Four games. Eight teams.
January 9th Kickoff (when the game begins) is:
4:35 p.m. for the Kansas City Chiefs versus the Houston Texans
8:15 p.m. for the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Cincinnati Bengals
January 10th Kickoff is:
1:05 p.m. for the Seattle Seahawks versus the Minnesota Vikings
4:40 p.m. for the Green Bay Packers versus the Washington Redskins
It’s gonna be a long weekend, have your local pizza and wing delivery guy on speed dial.
3. This is the wildcard round
Wildcard does not mean random selection. You know how in college when a Greek organization was probating and there was always that one person who no one even knew existed and we refer to them as the “what the heck” of the line. Well this is kinda like that. Except no random selection more like 3rd place team in the conference plays against the 6th place team in the conference. And the 4th place seed plays against the 5th place seed in the conference. NOT DIVISION. CONFERENCE. There are 8 divisions and two conferences. Don’t worry too much about this though, super technical and no one cares about how they got there, just that they got there.
4. Timing is everything
NFL games are divided into four 15-minute quarters, separated by a 12-minute break at halftime. There are also 2-minute breaks at the end of the first and third quarters as teams change ends of the field after every 15 minutes of play. Long story short, this game is going to go on for awhile. Just count this as penance for all the times you made him suffer through Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder, and Love and Hip Hop.
5. Team colors aren’t Pinterest boards waiting to happen
Ladies don’t look at the team colors and start talking about how that lovely shade of blue and green would look great in the bathroom. Trust, he didn’t care before the game and he surely doesn’t care now. Secretly take a mental note of it and come back to it AFTER the Super Bowl.
6. Baby got back!
I love looking at an amazing tight butt and strong back like any other woman. But this is not the time to bring that up. The only back you need to know about is the quarterback.
7. Quarterbacks are important people
Every team has one. His job is to direct his team towards the end zone and score as many points as possible. Here are the starting quarterbacks playing this weekend:
Kansas City Chiefs: Alex Smith #11
Texans: Brian Hoyer #7
Steelers: BEN ROETHLISBERGER #7
Bengals: AJ McCarron #5
Seahawks: Russell Wilson #3
Vikings: Teddy Bridgewater #5
Packers: Aaron Rodgers #12
Redskins: Kirk Cousins #8
Learn their names AND their numbers. I would hate for you to think Kirt Cousins is RG3. (Actually scratch that he won’t even touch the field. No time to discuss dream deferred players here. )
8. Flag on the play isn’t some special colloquialism
It really means flag on the play. The ref will throw a flag down where a penalty took place aka throw a yellow piece of cloth when something goes wrong during a play. If this is bae ask him what the flag was thrown for to make him feel like an NFL expert. If this isn’t bae (you’re just “kickin’ it”), just take note of the flag and keep watching until they tell you.
9. Unnecessary roughness isn’t code for Netflix and chill
It’s when players start looking like extras in a Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz video versus actually highly paid professional athletes. If they start throwing them hands just watch in amazement. DON’T choose sides because you may choose the wrong side to cheer on in the fight.
10. Yard Penalties
The game is calculated in yards. But when either team does something like get unnecessarily rough or a false start then there’s a possibility of a penalty of yards.That penalty ranges anywhere from 5 to 15 yards. It’s like punishment for grown men.
11. Do not mention the name Ciara unless it’s followed by Mist
It’s inevitable that hearing Russell Wilson’s name will make you want to say ” isn’t that Ciara’s boo”. But don’t. Future is to men what Beyoncé is to us. Don’t upset the Purple Sprite squad.
12. I’m only here so I won’t get fined
If bae all of a sudden wonders why you’re interested in the game, in the famous words of the Seattle Seahawks own Marshawn Lynch, just tell him you’re only here so you don’t get fined.
13. It ain’t over until the Goodell sings
That’s Goodell, as in Roger Goodell, the NFL commissioner. Ladies only four teams will walk away from this weekends wildcard round of playoffs but it starts right back up again next weekend with the divisional playoffs and then followed by the conference playoffs, all the way until February 7th when the Super Bowl takes place.
