3 ways to ensure a healthy dating experience
April 02, 2016 at 1:30 am
Focus on what you wantI used to have a pattern of getting lost in relationships. In the beginning, I would be focused on whether or not I liked the person I was dating, but as soon as I decided I liked them and wanted a relationship with that person, my attention would turn fully to whether or not the guy liked me. In addition to leading to dating anxiety, this caused me to lose sight of what I wanted in a relationship and made it hard to determine whether or not the relationship was providing that. In order to avoid losing sight of what you want, it's helpful to have a clear sense of what you are hoping your relationship will look like as you date. How to: Answer the following questions: Do you want a serious or casual commitment right now? What type of relationship dynamic do you prefer (e.g. calm, intense, distant, intimate)? Do you feel comfortable having a sexual relationship without a commitment? How do you want a potential partner to treat you? Use your answers to help you make decisions about the types of relationships you are willing to engage in. It's fine if your answers change over time, but try not to change your answers just to fit a potential partner who is not willing to provide what you want (e.g. settling for a relationship without commitment when you want a committed relationship).
Focus on what kind of partner you want to beIn all of our talk about deal breakers and what we want our partners to look like, we often forget to think about what type of partner we want to be. How we treat our partners often influences how they treat us in return, therefore, we can be empowered by proactively deciding how we would like to engage in a relationship. We usually start out feeling good about our contribution to a relationship and then as the relationship progresses begin engaging in more negative, reactive behavior as our partner does things we don't like. The challenge is to stick to your values as long as you choose to stay in a relationship even when your partner misses the mark. How to: Take some time to think about what kind of partner you would like to be. Would you like to be a loving partner? If so, how can you show love to your partner in an ongoing way? Would you like to be supportive? Great, what does it look like for you to support your partner? Would you like to be emotionally open? Wonderful, how can you share your emotional experience and create space for your partner to share theirs?
Focus on your growthMost of us have been in conversations where we complain about our partners; you know the ones where we list everything that our partners do wrong and everything that is wrong with a particular gender. Although these conversations can help to relieve frustration, they often distort the reality that in relationships both partners play a role in the problems (exception: in relationships where one-sided physical or emotional violence is at play, one partner is usually to blame). It's very easy to focus on what is wrong with the people we're dating and to lose sight of our role in relationship problems. In addition to acknowledging the frustrating things our partners have done, we must also consider our own areas that need improvement. Because we can only change ourselves, I believe this is an empowering position to take. How to: Identify the areas where you can grow as a person. This could be strengthening your ability to show empathy to yourself and others or learning to manage and express your anger more constructively. If you've gotten similar complaints from different partners, that might flag something to work on. See if you can start trying out the new behaviors in small ways. For example, if you want to increase your empathy, see if you can be curious about a friend's difficult experience and take the time to listen and comfort them.
What are some healthy practices within dating that have worked for you?
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