This piece was submitted from a member of our enthusiastic community of readers. If you’re interested in sharing your opinion on any cultural, political or personal topic, create an account here and check out our how-to post to learn more.

Growing up, my aunt would watch my mother’s four kids while she went to work. As an adult today, I can appreciate the love and patience my aunt had for us. At the time, she didn’t have any children of her own. Dealing with four unruly children was a challenge but my aunt did it on her own terms. Our environment wasn’t rated G by no means. There were no nursery rhymes or cartoons or coloring books.

While other kids were watching Sesame Street, we were forced to watch Days of our Lives and General Hospital, or worse, the news. Our fundamental education that prepared us for pre-K were rooted in real life. For instance, other kids were learning their numbers by watching The Count on Sesame Street, but we learned our numbers by playing Spades, the quintessential card game and rites of passage in the Black community. It’s the go-to at all house parties and can easily bring families together during the holidays.

Before becoming married and failing at it miserably for almost five years, it took me some time to realize that it’s not about being an individual. It is about a partnership in the truest sense. And while I did agree to become a life partner, I had other rules in my mind that I wanted to play by in hopes of success. It didn’t work. So now I’m in the process of reshuffling and making the most of the hand I’ve been dealt — just like in Spades. 

Spades is a card game where you can play solo or as partners. The objective of the game is to collect the most “books” at the end of each hand. The spades suit is the highest-ranking of all the cards and trumps hearts, diamonds and clubs. At the time, I didn’t realize it but the rules of Spades would be essential to the success of a Black marriage, and here’s how:

1. You must work together to win

Before the round starts you have the opportunity to communicate to your partner how many books you believe you can win. However, as partners, you must both determine how many books you think you can obtain together. You have to trust your partner. The idea of going into the game as an individual will not work if you want to win.

2. Be accountable for what you say you have in your hand

Before each round in Spades, you can look at the hand you were dealt with and estimate how many “books” you can make. This assumption is made based on having cards of high rank such as an ace or king cards of any suit. Other times it can be based on a strategy of simply throwing out the highest card during a particular round. What I learned is that if you say you have four books in your hand, you better make those four books or there will be consequences.

3. Be in alignment with your partner

The best partners are those that can simply give each other glances or make random gestures and the other person can understand what is being communicated. Depending on the environment, there may be rules in place that ban communication once the round begins. During a Spades game, its evident when partners are not in alignment because they have not quite mastered non-verbal communication. It is shown through the constantly bickering and fighting at the end of the round. Blame is tossed back and forth because they couldn’t understand what the other person was trying to communicate. Much like in marriage, these types of petty arguments cause partners to lose the entire game.

4. Know that everything will not be 50/50

Once the game starts, you and your partner together are responsible for making the number of books you stated. It doesn’t matter if you only had 2 and a possible in your hand; you’re both responsible for trying to achieve the entire lot. If your partner overbid you may have to pick up the slack to reach the goal or vice versa. Everything will not always be evenly split. At any given point someone will have to do more than the other to keep the team in a position to win.

5. Don’t dwell on the past.

At the end of each round, the partners are allowed to speak again, mostly about the number of books they will need to declare for the next round. During the time, it is best to just focus on the round at hand and not rehash bad plays in previous rounds. Focusing on the present keeps you in the winning spirit and more in tune with what needs to get accomplished at the very moment. If the time is wasted talking about the last round when it’s time for the current round to start you will not have a strategy to win with your partner. And no matter how many books you can make alone, you can only win the round with your partner. There are no individual winners in Spades or marriage.

6. Do not cut your partner

In Spades, (and marriage) there’s an inadvertent leader that sort of controls the flow of each partnership. That leader will often throw out the first card in an attempt to win the “book” but as a partner, it’s important to pay attention and be supportive of each move. For example, if that person lays down a 2 of hearts, it’s because he/she knows that you may have the ace of hearts and your win is a collective win. Conversely, if the person, leads with a king of diamond, you should not try to outshine your partner by laying down your ace of diamond. It’s best to wait and collect another book for the team. Spades and marriage are about strategy and knowing when it’s your turn.

7. Do not renege. 

While playing spades with my aunt, reneging during Spades was the cardinal rule — and if violated, you were banished. Reneging would require you to give up your team’s last four books, and depending on what you bid you may often lose that round. Also, during that same process, the other team is allowed to examine where you went wrong and then take away things you have earned before reneging. It’s embarrassing. Not to mention, most times your partner is steaming mad and may actually be contemplating a new partner — and others are waiting for the opportunity to play.