The holiday season is often viewed as a time for love, family and happiness. For many, this is also the time to reveal bae. The fam has been seeing you glow on the gram and they want to know who is sparking it.
While many are excited to be with their loved ones, we often forget these are judgment-filled occasions. Sure, it’s not necessarily life or death, but when bae decides to introduce you to a swarm of aunties, uncles, cousins on top of mom and dad, it may feel a bit intense.
If you’re like me, you’d initially think “no big deal,” but a swarm of emotions appear the closer we get to the actual event. Imagine taking the car ride, filled with the aroma of your freshly made mac 'n' cheese next to your excited partner, but you’re trailing down a rabbit hole of jitters.
Everyone’s family dynamic is different. Whether you’re visiting the Huxtables (I still love Cliff, sue me) or the Fockers, there are some rules of engagement to ensure a smooth first impression.
1. Come bearing gifts
These aren’t your folks, so you don’t have to be Black Santa. However, you cannot come empty handed. A classic move is bringing a nice bouquet of flowers for mom and a bottle of wine for dinner. If you want to go a step further, try and learn favorites of the group. What’s dad’s favorite liquor? You’ll never go wrong with an unconventional gift. Try a book. Bringing Becoming by Michelle Obama would be an ultimate power move. I mean, let’s be honest, we all love anything from Queen Michelle.
2. Make yourself useful
Dad has earned the right to kick his feet up and watch the game. You should definitely join him (see step four), but before you do, make sure there is no help needed around the house. Set up the karaoke machine, wash the dishes, stir the gravy, just do SOMETHING. It allows dad to avoid slick comments from mom for “laying on his butt,” thus granting you points from both sides.
3. Watch your mouth
Many of us curse moderately to aggressively in daily conversation. That’s your prerogative when you’re with your friends and maybe even your own family. However, when you’re around bae’s family, keep it PG. They can get to know you without knowing you typically tell stories in the style of Eddie Murphy’s Raw. Even if they’re cursing, it is not your place to join in the fun. You are a guest, representing bae. Shoot (see, I’m giving you alternatives), you're representing your own mama. You do not want to give the family something to side-eye you or bae about.
4. Find common ground
Moms tend to eat charm up, but dads are not that easy. You have to try and impress. If you like sports, head to the couch after helping mom and get to chatting. You don’t like sports, cool. Still learn dad’s favorite team. Let him talk to you about it til he turns blue. Who cares if you don’t know whats happening, just nod and agree. If you’re bold enough, say sports isn’t your thing, but let him talk about it as much as his heart desires. Like music instead? See if you guys have any similar taste. TV shows? Watch season one of Game of Thrones if you think it’ll earn you points. But actually watch, don’t fall asleep no matter how gloomy you think Ned Stark’s kingdom looks. This relationship is so important and should always start on a good foot.
While mom may soak up the charm, don’t ignore her. Get to know what she likes. If you walk away without learning one new thing about her, you failed and she’ll come away indifferent.
5. One-on-one time
Finding common ground could be a 10 minute conversation, but you want them to really get to know you. I get it, some of us are introverts. That’s OK, but use this time to try and sell yourself. Tell them about your passions. Parents love to see their child with someone who is deeply invested in positive things. Be vulnerable and open up. Ideal times to do this? While prepping the food or during cleanup. Which brings me to number six.
6. You better help clean up
By help I mean do 60-70 percent of the cleaning. This family has opened their doors to you, fed you and probably had you drinking liquor you can’t afford on your own. The least you can do is put stuff away to show your gratitude. If mom is coming downstairs the next morning to dishes in the sink and a dirty countertop, just stay your ass at home next year.
7. Do not forget bae
I’m guilty of this. You focus so much energy around impressing everyone that you forget to give bae any attention. Remember, part of getting on the family’s good side is showing them how much you care for their child. Every parent finds comfort in knowing their child is supported when they aren’t around. I’m not asking you to be at their beckoning call. That’s wack and you’ll look weak, which is a turn off. Instead, try subtle check-ins, making them a drink or a plate or a simple glance and smile can go a long way.
Also, no extreme PDA. Bae’s parents don’t want to see y’all squeezing each other’s booties as you walk by. Das nasty. Show your affection through kind words and light touches. Anything else may be seen as over-sexual and off-putting.
The goal is to get a “when are we gonna see you again?,” not a simple “take care.” If the goodbyes aren’t filled with warm interaction, you may want to re-evaluate how you came off. I would even suggest debriefing with bae on the car ride home. This day is just as nerve-wrecking for your them as it is for you. They’ve talked you up for months leading up to this. Don’t let them down.
Reading this may send you into a slight panic, but that’s not a bad thing. That indicates how much you care about your partner. Try to relax and be your best self. Judgment keeps you on your toes. Don’t succumb to it. Instead, rise to the holiday occasion.
