2018 was a trying year, and chances are you’ve been tried. The boss tried it, the Uber driver tried it, your mama done tried it and LordT knows white folks had three things this year and that’s -- 1) Blacks, 2) fucked, 3) up. The job is on the line ‘cause that tongue is vicious af; your Uber account was cancelled because you drop-kicked a driver’s door; and as far as Becky and Josh, it was a good thing the homie had bail out money. Your nerves were tested. People wanted them hands. Some of ‘em even got them; all but moms duke -- you had to charge it to the game -- because mamas. You’d think folks would know better, but apparently not. But it’s a good thing Black Jesus knows your heart. You’ve got to change that behavior from the 2018 ‘cause 2019 is taking over. It’s a new year and a new you is on the horizon. You can no longer resort to ass-whoopings and full reads. It ain’t worth the assault charge or the mental taxation; it just ain’t. Moving forward into the Year of our Lord 2019, here are seven ways to prevent yourself from throwing hands:
People take pleasure in petty. Let them, but don’t take the bait of going back and forth with these niggas. When you get a whiff of those lowly invitations -- pause, count to 10 and breathe. Deep breathes are a healant on multiple levels. They relieve anxiety, stress and negative thoughts like punching an asshole in the throat.
When you find yourself surrounded by fuck people and shit starters, breathing may not always do the trick. Still you can’t physically react to all the messiness. These are the times you have to ask yourself, “What would Jesus do in a situation like this?” He would bestow the good benediction upon those wretched souls. So instead of laying actual hands on folk do it figuratively. Bless their hearts. It’s like saying, “Fuck you,” in the name of Jesus.
When bullshit hits the fan and has you ready to snatch some corporate wigs -- retreat. Now, a sauna, spa or steam room won’t always be accessible. However, the closest restroom always offers respite. The bathroom is a private go-to where you can lose your shit, figuratively and literally, without losing your job. Just know you are never alone in your need to deescalate a smackdown. Be kind and make space for others to decompress as well.
Block it all out. Folks underestimate the power of meditation. It makes you mindful, decreases blood pressures, calms nerves. In other words, it balances you and eliminates thoughts of ringing somebody’s neck.
Working out is a good way to blow steam when you really wanna bust some foreheads. But forget that, lace them nikeys up and just do it -- workout that is.
Trap it out, Bihh
What better place is there to rise above righteous indignation while avoiding central bookings? On trap songs, you get cuss somebody out, talk about their mama, shit on their existence and whoop that arse in under four minutes. You can even hit replay and do it again.
Let ‘em know, Bihh
Now, these exercises in restraint won’t stop people from trying it, but they will stop you from going there. In the words of Plies, our favorite niggavangelist, you may have to let fuck people know exactly where you stand with them.
New you ain’t gots be violent at the expense of ig’nant people. Nah. Incorporate these in ya life, and watch how peaceful and fruitfully abundant life will become. Retire them hands. Smile, Bihh.
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