Ladies, are we still out here just waiting to get married, pushing men to put a ring on it? Is the ultimate end goal still marriage? With Nicki Minaj speaking on strength and power as a single woman, the tune may change for many women.

I wonder if monogamy is still synonymous with marriage and if a woman's happiness is tied up in the dream of a perfect life, with getting hitched as the shining moment. When I think of happiness, I think of self-fulfillment and peace of mind. It doesn’t mean the same for everyone else, much less another woman; but it seems that much of many women's happiness continues to hinge on being swept off their feet or snatched up and married. Even when a woman has an active social life, healthy familial relationships and financial success, the “natural” next step is engagement. This makes me wonder whether women are allowing society, and the ever growing monster that is social media, to validate their existence and place in this world.

I may be a bit jaded as a divorcee, but nonetheless, I ask this question of all young ladies: why do you want to get married? For those in a relationship, does this person add to your happiness (remember your cup must already be full), do they bring a positive energy to your life, are you afraid of losing him, do you have a deadline that you just can’t miss? Real progress is made when we’re aware of what we’re saying to ourselves alone at night or how we feel in a group setting of women that are “taken.”

Self-care and women empowerment is a movement that is making waves, but even as women bop to "Nice for What" by Drake, they are still waiting for or seeking their king. Much of what we say and do is entangled in the ideals and opinions of others — with thoughts like, "what will my friends and family think," "my girls are all married" and "damn, my clock is ticking." Companionship is important, but I fear that its practice is enveloped in codependency.

I used to put so much value on the word "wife" and "husband," as though it separated me from the rest. I’ve since abandoned that notion, but the title “wife” is weighted and often used as a means to feel superior. But getting and maintaining that title while feeling satisfied in one’s life can be elusive. This is why I dislike the term “relationship goals,” because everyone’s relationship is catered to the two individuals involved. I believe more work needs to be done on accepting one’s self, flaws and all. Being content in my own presence without the distractions of a relationship, with expectations of and from a partner, has been a freeing experience, so much so that I cringe at the idea of marriage. Romantic relationships are hard and take up a lot of time and energy — time and energy that so many of us women don’t have to sacrifice to the incomplete prospects that are out there.

I suppose my disposition has a lot to do with having been married, divorced and getting into another serious relationship. A lot of conversations are happening around the not so ideal men in the pool and how people are staying in relationships just to survive, as opposed to being whole and purposeful, but that’s another post. But why compromise the integrity of your joy and sanity just to be able to say that you are taken?

I learned so much about myself being single, things I would not have discovered being in a relationship. I was forced to face myself, open up and embrace myself. These are hard moments that reveal who we are at the crux. Being entangled in a relationship doesn't usually allow time for self-reflection and growth because we, as women, tend to put others before ourselves, and before we know it, we are lost. When you’re single you don’t have to answer to anyone, no approvals for something you want to do or wear. We like being independent, but fear the prospect of being alone. If you are in the right state of mind where people’s opinions do not determine your self worth, and you’re not feeling bad about being single, what is the benefit of marriage?

I honestly want to understand the appeal of marriage and being in a long term relationship. I know, sex alone gets boring and lacks the physical touch we, as humans, crave. I suppose with the right partner, I could understand the draw, but is it then a form of possessiveness; that we are essentially staking a claim to a person once we realize that we “love” them? True love is to be free with the choice to grow with a person, uninhibited.

There is a saying that when you love something, you water it, nurture it, let it grow. To pluck it is to exhibit possession, which is not love. So, again, I ask: why is that you want to get married?

Emmanuela Etienne

Writing since June 2018 · 1 story contributed