"It’s not you, it’s me" used to be a polite way of owning the responsibility of the breakdown of a relationship. In this way, a partner was able to communicate with their significant other or other party in the relationship that they needed space to work on personal issues that were impeding upon the future of the relationship. However, over the course of the decade, many have moved away from appreciating the value of personal accountability in personal, professional and intimate relationships which has resulted in the back and forth phenomenon which we see so broadly across social media and in many other scapes of life. Time and time again I am approached by young women wondering what they have done to be treated so poorly by their man, or men wondering what it is about their personality that fails to attract respect in the workplace or otherwise. These concerns are coupled with disappointments, including being overlooked for promotions at work, being cheated on in intimate relationships, being lied to or taken advantage of by trusted loved ones, among so many other experiences. Constantly being left at the end of a pointing finger in the blame game can affect one’s self-esteem, self-confidence and will to push forward in new endeavors.

While I am inclined to offer comforting words, my goal is not to coddle you into a false and fleeting sense of security, as such, let me be real with you: Unfortunately, this will not go away. People will continue to throw shade and doubt your way as you work to make progress towards your mission of peace and happiness, but it is not necessary that you remain susceptible to the negative projections of others.

We cannot control the actions of others or the process and pace by which others grow and learn. But we can protect ourselves against the debris that come as a result of these changes. By seeking the strength to find validation within ourselves as opposed to becoming dependent on outside sources, we become our own source of love and appreciation. This is not to minimize the natural desire and human propensity for social relationships, but to ensure that we can maintain our base levels of functionality in the absence or breakdown of romantic and other types of relationships. In addition, developing an internal source of self-appreciation can serve to strengthen existing relationships by combating the ongoing dilemma of, “If I am not happy with myself, how can I be happy with anyone else?” Psychological theories concerning self-validation suggests that confidence in one’s thoughts plays a key role in how easily one can be affected by negative tactics of persuasion.

Plain and simple, the higher your confidence, the more impenetrable you become to outside forces! But this may be easier said than done. Some methods for developing a stronger sense of self-validation include disengaging from negative interactions both in everyday living and online platforms, prioritizing and developing personal interests, creating a self-care routine and perhaps, most importantly in this day and age, putting social media into perspective by remembering that what we see there is hardly ever a reflection of daily life in the real world. Be aware and remember, no one is posting about when they pay their bills, lose their job or figuratively step in sh*t in their brand new Nikes, so avoiding comparisons on this level goes a long way in maintaining a realistic perspective of your life and the world.

It's not reasonable for us to expect to go from chasing love and validation to creating it for ourselves overnight. But the first step may be to give yourself permission to begin to make this transition with a positive affirmation such as:

“I have the right to feel what I am feeling, and I am responsible for creating a safe place for myself to explore those feelings, be creative and love myself!”

Keep reminding yourself that your happiness can come from within by repeating this mantra, or one that is more personal to your journey whenever you are in need of comfort.

We give power to what we believe in, so then, increase your power, take control of your narrative and resolve to redefine the old “It’s not you, it’s me” mantra by offering a new connotation to the phrase, which includes an unwavering determination to love thy self. And in this way my Kings and Queens, you will forever stay fly!

Reference:

“Evaluating the Message or the Messenger? Implications for Self-Validation in Persuasion” Jason K. Clark, Duane T. Wegener, Vanessa Sawicki, Richard E. Petty, and Pablo Briñol. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin , Vol 39, Issue 12, pp. 1571 – 1584, First Published August 22, 2013