I have a confession to make. I am in a highly dysfunctional relationship and I don’t know how to get free. I’ve been in it for so long, I’ve lost myself. It’s all that I know. I measure my worth against its validation and crave its approval so desperately that I have contorted, changed and manipulated myself to appease its tastes. I have surrendered myself to it fully. And still, it’s not enough.

I just want to be seen, loved and treated with respect.

I have adopted his customs as my own and built his empire. I have danced and jumped and sang for his entertainment. I have worn his guilt and carried his burden. I have taken on his last name — African-American. I have been so immersed, so indoctrinated in who he is that I wouldn’t recognize my tribe if they stood before me. Betrothed unto him, I have remained committed. This marriage was consummated long before he and I came to understand the institutionalized burden or benefit of our existence.

dysfunctional relationship with America — Photo: Vanessa Sarges/flickr

In return for my loyalty, I have asked only for his acknowledgement. That he would reward my efforts, recognize my contributions and accept the validity of my life. That he would see me, not as something to be tolerated, put up with or altered, but as the object of his adoration, to be embraced and celebrated. I have begged and marched and picketed for his allegiance. My ancestors have died in want of it.

He tells me that he wants to change, but progress takes time. He asks me to pray for him, to separate my faith from action. He intoxicates me with hope and assures me that if I keep loving him, despite all the festering wounds and sorrows he has inflicted, one day the sentiment will be returned. That remains to be seen.

The only thing I know for certain is that I am in a highly dysfunctional relationship and I don’t know how to get free.

The transition into adulthood isn’t an easy one. Navigating relationships, managing workplace politics, hitting those milestones on schedule— don’t be fooled, no one knows what they’re doing. There will be all kinds of fumbles, blunders and awkward missteps along the way. If you’re constantly wondering to yourself, “Am I doing this right?” Welcome. This is just the place for you.

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dysfunctional relationship

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