Growing up, I used to think being nice was the best way to live life. You know, you put good into the world and good things happen to you — you reap what you sow. However, as time progressed, I realized that, ironically, being nice can also end up causing you harm. There were people who saw that good things happen when you’re being nice — good things happen for them. The harsh truths I had to learn were that sometimes you can be too nice to people, some individuals will run all over you if you allow them to and there are people out there that take advantage of the kindness of others. This has played a huge role in why many relationships become very unbalanced.
By relationships, I mean those with significant others, friendships, best friendships, work relationships, family relationships and many more. The type of relationship usually corresponds to the amount of impact the imbalance can have on a person. For example, a person who is being taken advantage of by a friend may go through less harm compared to someone who is being taken advantage of by their partner. Nonetheless, being the person who is always giving can be detrimental if not checked.
I’ll explain the process of how relationships become so unbalanced using the following general example:
- You go out to eat and your friend forgets their wallet because they are rushing to meet you on time. You say it’s fine and that you’ll cover them. No big deal.
- Then you all go to a happy hour or two, and they don’t have enough to pay for drinks, so you say you got them. OK, cool.
- At this point, they have subconsciously, or even consciously, begun to develop a mindset that when they don’t have a means to pay, you will spot them the funds. This usually manifests in them either being more lax with bringing money when you all go out, or just giving you a substantial enough reason for not being able to pay for themselves. Maybe they pay a few times so it’s not so consistent, or maybe it’s happening all the time. Either way, it’s wrong.
- Now, the imbalance is introduced when situations arise where you don’t have a means to pay for yourself, and when you ask for help, they make excuses as to why they can’t. That’s foul. What’s worse is when you can’t help them, they act some type of way, when you aren’t obligated to assist them in the first place. But this is the same friend you’ve been helping out for so long.
The moral of the story is that they get to the point where they expect you to do something for them, and when the time comes for them to reciprocate, they fall short. That is an unbalanced relationship, and there are multiple variations of this. The example above is just one case.
Now that you have a general idea of the process, I want to help you get better at spotting this imbalance in your relationships (or recognize it if it’s already happening) and provide you with steps to make sure people aren’t out here abusing your generosity and good will.
Identify the Imbalance
I’m not asking you to rethink every relationship you have, but to focus more on those that are most significant to you, that people have pointed out to be problematic or a relationship you think may show signs of imbalance. It's very hard to discover an unbalanced relationship when you’ve been in it for so long and have adjusted to it. So when it’s pointed out, you may brush it to the side as you doing something nice for someone you care about. Don’t let that be you. Remember that you are your own person. You don’t owe it to anyone to keep doing something just because they asked.
Once you pinpoint the more serious cases, then you can shift to the relationships that don’t have as much clout, and it’ll be easier to recognize and address the imbalance in them. From there, you can begin to figure out what led you to those situations in the first place.
Analyze the Imbalance
Why are you consistently doing this thing for that person? Are you benefitting from what you are doing? Do you feel like you have no choice but to do it? Does the person threaten the relationship dissolving if you falter? The reasoning behind these questions is trying to understand how this all started, and why it has become a consistent and significant matter. These situations usually start small, but steadily grow to the point that you feel like it’s out of your control. But if you can pinpoint the source and understand what led to where things are now, you can do a better job at confronting the other person and showing them the error in their ways.
Address the Imbalance(s)
Now, I didn’t say you couldn’t help a brotha or sista out, but dang, do they need to hold a dollar every day? Do they forget their wallet every time y’all go out? Do they want to go somewhere every time you have your car? I’m sure you’ve heard how if you see something, you should say something. If you see there may be some areas in your relationship(s) where you feel you are being taken advantage of, then it’s time to re-evaluate things and speak up. If you don’t speak up, they definitely won’t.
If letting the other person know how you feel (with examples or in the moment of it happening) doesn’t work, you could try mimicking their actions to show them how you feel. Some examples are saying "no" more often so they realize how much of a difference it is when you aren’t doing things for them, or working with them to correct the imbalance by putting measures in place to counter it (like speaking up if the person is asking for too much). And if they still don’t change, you have to make the decision of how invested you want to be in that relationship. A relationship should be mutually beneficial. If it’s just draining you with no real return, it doesn’t serve to benefit you.
Restore and Reinforce the Balance
Now, relationships also shouldn’t be transactional or tit-for-tat, where everything you do has to be repaid, but there is a line that signifies someone has overstepped the bounds of asking for things as a friend. Determining where that line is and maintaining awareness of it is key. This will help be a preemptive measure against further problems. The last thing you want is for the situation to revert to how it was before when you’ve made such strides to having a more balanced relationship.
It’s my belief that after you confront the person, it becomes easier to decline things in the future. If anything, that person should be deterred from their actions and learn to handle things themselves.
For those who are the takers, understand this: it doesn’t make sense for you to say this is someone you care about and yet, you have no problem taking advantage of the things they do for you. I hear about this in a lot in relationships with significant others because people get comfortable after they secure their partner. It also happens in family relationships because people feel like since they’re family, you should always look out for them. There needs to be a serious readjustment of your mindset.
Overall, I hope if you aren’t immediately taking action on this, that you are at least seriously taking it to heart, because it does have an impact on your life. Why do I care so much? I just want to see you all come into a more stable and less stressful place in your lives, like I did when I decided to say no to the takers, and yes to myself. You can’t satisfy everyone in life, so why not start with who matters most — yourself.
