It is officially Lent season. Everyone is giving up liquor, social media and a host of other things they’ll pick up again in about a week. Here at Blavity, we like to give solid advice to the masses, so this time, I have a bit of advice for white folks: We’re barely three months into 2019, and it’s clear they’re in need of spiritual guidance. I’m not Iyanla but I got some tips for white folks who wanna fix their lives.
Here’s a few things white people should not only give up for Lent — but also for the rest of their existence.
I thought they gave it up back in the 1930s, but they made Blackface not-so-great again for 2019. It has become a legit epidemic in Virginia, thanks to their governor and attorney general. Joy Behar also admits she dressed up as a “beautiful African woman” for Halloween when she was in her 20s. Gucci tried to make it fashion and the only thing it made was a fool of its brand. No, ma’am. Back away from the paint.
2. Colonized "Ethnic" Food
Listen Becky and Brad, we don’t need y’all touching our food — it’s fine the way it is. We don’t need you to put the colonizer grass, also known as kale, in every damn thing. Even Chef Gordon Ramsey isn’t immune to it, and he was promptly embarrassed.
YouTube | The F Word
Learn from him. Learn your way around seasoning, and maybe we can revisit this at a later date.
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3. Struggle Twerking
Cash Money did not bless us with "Back That Azz Up," the magnum opus of twerk music, 20 years ago for y’all to ruin it with your off-beat conniptions. Miley already tried it, and it was a dark time in pop culture. Appreciation for twerking has been restored thanks to the City Girls and Cardi B's "Twerk" — let’s keep it that way.
4. Calling 911 for Mundane S**t
Everyone has been making a huge deal about Jussie Smollet allegedly making a false police report, but white people have been using 911 like it's a customer service line. Last year, Black people couldn’t do anything without worrying about some disgruntled Karen lurking with her cellphone glued to her ear. It got so bad the The New York Times made a whole informercial on it. If Sen. Jesse Hamilton’s bill becomes law, you might get caught up so stop while you’re ahead.
YouTube | The New York Times
But, y’all don’t listen, because Dog Park Debbie couldn’t take another dog getting frisky with her pooch. Can we get a Minding Her Business Brenda?
5. The "A Negro Is Coming" Smile
Speaking of white discomfort with negroes, can y’all stop giving us this look?
You do it every time a Black person you don’t know enters your space.
We don’t want to talk to you either because of your aforementioned itchy 911 fingers. You stay on your side of the elevator, and we’ll stay on ours. Focus on clutching your purse or wallet for no reason.
6. Inner Black Women
White gays — I’m talking to you. The only people who have inner Black women are actual Black women. We are not your spirit animals or fairy god negresses. We’re people. You don’t have to start your Sheneneh impression every time you speak to a Black woman.
If I had a dollar for every time that happened to me, I could probably pay for a head of box braids. Cut it out.
7. Diet Covers of Black Music
YouTube | Conor Maynard
We do not need to hear an acoustic version of “Mask Off.” No one wants this. When Rihanna came out with “Work” y’all decided patois is too spicy and tried to whiten up the joint. No more. Stick to the “Sweet Carolines” and “Living On A Prayers” you’re used to.
8. Claiming Super Distant Negro Ancestors
Elizabeth Warren’s political views should make her a desirable presidential candidate, but she couldn’t contain the basic Becky within and now Trump calls her "Pocahontas." Your Cherokee great-great-great-great-great-grandmother doesn’t mean you’re Cherokee. Having a distant Black granny does not mean you’re invited to the cookout. The cookout is canceled. Plan a potluck or something.
9. Wanting to Say the N-Word
I don’t care if your children, wife, maid or second cousin removed is Black: YOU. CAN’T. SAY. IT. CONNOR.
Hopefully, this list has been helpful and you can avoid getting punched in the face.
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