As a Black woman, I am cognizant of my environment professionally, socially and even in my own relationships. As a result, somehow, I've always perceived a Black woman to be incapable of flaws and incapable of messing up. And if she did, hunny she sure wasn't going to tell anyone about it. But I later found that hiding my flaws and internalizing/scrutinizing my failures was a huge problem.
Three months ago, I landed a job as a professor and proceeded to stunt on all social media so the little people, that didn't pay too much attention to me could now slide into my DMs and inquire about my personal endeavors, as if they cared.
I welcomed the compliments and basked in the jealousy that I felt in the content of (borderline hateful) messages from people that I knew in high school, relationships that I ruined in college and old friendships that I dismissed for personal reasons. To be honest, receiving my new position was a momentous occasion, one I took for granted.
(Cue trap music: Big K.R.I.T's "Glorious")
I think a lot of people (and I am guilty of this, too) tend only to reveal their accomplishments and not their failures. I mean, who wants to appear "weak" or "unsuccessful" in 2018? Who wants to be judged by others? Yes, people do judge and I don't want to hear, "Only God can judge" because, in reality, that's foolishness. Everyone judges, or has judged something or someone, at least once in their lives.
So, let me be the first to be honest: This is a judge zone. You're honestly going to do it anyway, so judge me accordingly for the following:
1. A month before I received my dream job, I graduated and was unemployed because I did not pass an exam needed to become a secondary teacher.
2. My boyfriend, at the time (thank GOD he's done), was toxic for me; therefore, I had to cut. him. loose. As a result, I've been dealing with loneliness, inadequacy, anger and devastation due to how my persona shifted because I allowed a foolish man to control me so.
3. I was living off of the government and my mental health was slowly eating away at me. I felt like I was suffocating in a sea of unhappiness. Depression is real. Anxiety is real. It is OK to seek help, and for any woman or man who is reading this and needed to read this, you are enough. Do not let anyone take that away from you and go be the best version of yourself. Be lit.
Now, not a lot of people will admit to having mental health issues, feeling defeated or even admitting that they have failed on multiple occasions. Oftentimes, we only hear these type of stories from people who are already successful, like Oprah. I am not Oprah.
My house of peace was on fire and I was desperately trying to extinguish the flames of anguish through nonsensical means. I was looking for quick fixes and turning to the world (alcohol, my toxic ex-boyfriend, aka the spawn of Satan, dating just because I didn't want to eat alone and have to pay for it, etc). Slowly, but surely, my house was coming down and those were big fats; but, in the end, I found fulfillment in the life that I am living right now. I have found love within myself. I cut my hair like Sanaa Lathan in Nappily Ever After, left ol' dude, and other toxic inflictions in my life, and threw them to the curb like an old busted water heater.
Finally, for the moment, I have found peace and am working to further my success and maintain my peace, happiness and tranquility.
My house of peace will probably be set on fire later on down the line in my lifetime, however, I am up for that fight. I do not mind feeling vulnerable to the masses anymore. I am growing and will continue to grow in so many aspects. I think all Black women should strive for this and know that it's OK to be vulnerable.
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