As I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, I'm met with a familiar feeling. I. Don't. Want. To. Go. I know that I have to work. I hate work. It's probably always been that way. I think I am completely aware of it now. No matter how much I try, I cannot shake this feeling. I start out really enjoying being someplace then reality hits me. I wake up every day, fighting to stay afloat in the depths of the sadness that I am drowning in and after a good cry, I go on with my day.
Some would probably argue that I'm struggling with some form of depression. In some ways, they might be right. Though I am quite awkward, I don't mind disappearing in a sea of people especially when I'm feeling like this. The peace that comes with feeling in control of your life is enjoyed in that place. I enjoy it. In today's society, even the entrepreneurial spirit is not even the same. In a world filled with government jobs, multi-level marketing, multiple degrees, Greek organizations, technical diplomas and certificates, you're forced to assimilate in some way or you're mocked for what "they" think you lack.
Why?
Has black excellence become something that's used as a barometer to judge the worth of a person? Has the "grind" mentality overtaken any and every societal exception that says you don't have to be like everyone else? We're not allowed to just, be?
I never went to college. I'm realizing that I didn't want to. Yet, does that make me less than anyone else? Am I unmotivated because I want nothing more than to cook for a small family, do laundry, watch my kids at practice, create art, help other human beings and love my husband deeply? I've said, "I want to go to school for ____________," more times than I can count. But I never knew what I wanted to study. I became so frustrated because of that. I felt like I didn't matter because I wasn't like everyone else. Categorized by a university, instead of being excited by the pursuit of knowledge, many lose their way and focus on status. Pride has many forms and it can easily darken a heart. There's nothing wrong with focusing more on your journey.
I know that better than anyone.
My life has been spent giving away bits and pieces to employers who cared nothing for me, let alone my family. I know I am not alone in striving for particular goals just to be accepted. Trying to find a "decent job" that I, or rather everyone else could be proud of. As I have battled health issues, "business as usual" has proven time and time again that as a single human being I don't matter. Because no matter how much I give, I am a part of a machine.
That fact made me bitter.
Feeling trapped in a matrix-like world where if you don't follow a certain mold, you're a reject. Many, including myself, have been at the end of jokes, snickers and laughter because of our life path. Many people wake up every day with this feeling.The truth is our existence is very organic.
My one dream is to help people by having land where we can grow resources and sell them. I want a place where I can hold another human being until the dam in their heart breaks and a cry of freedom from life's chains are released. I want to be a part of a place where hope floats and pain is expressed in art. A place where my children can breathe and not feel pressured to embrace a future they're uncertain of.
I want to create a sanctuary. I want to be a sanctuary.
Create your own ideas of black excellence. I believe we should live for ourselves, not tradition or what people think. We should strive for whatever is in our hearts and be excellent at whatever we wish to do.
